If I Ever Make State Visits

Today, there was an article on the front page of the newspaper about the Indian PM in Germany. The front page showed him shaking hands with a robot! My point is, is if he wanted to shake hands with a robot, all he needs to do is to come down to Bangalore to the robotics laboratory and shake hands with all the robots he can!

If I ever had to go on a state visit, these are the kind of articles you would see.


Nathaniel in Washington

Washington DC (AFP): PM Ajit Nathaniel landed in Washington DC this afternoon on a state visit to the US. After pleasantries, President Bush, Vice President Cheney and Mr. Nathaniel sat down to share case a Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey. After a few hours of friendly discussions, President Bush left for the Oval Office to push the red button to bomb Pakistan and China, and Mr Cheney and Mr. Nathaniel left for Texas, where Mr. Cheney promised he would buy more whiskey and teach Mr. Nathaniel to shoot quails and Lawyers.
[picture] GWB, Cheney and myself sitting in the white house and drinking whiskey.


Nathaniel in Germany

Berlin (Reuters): Indian Prime Minister Ajit Nathaniel landed in Berlin today on a state visit. Highly placed sources say that it is no coincidence that this visit coincides with the German festival season Oktoberfest.

After Initial pleasantries, the Chancellor's motorcade was diverted to a Biergarten where Mr. Nathaniel savoured several of the 100 types of beer that were on the list. the happy time was marred by an unfortunate incident when an un-named tourist, obviously inebriated, made a pass at Ms. Merkel, the German Chancellor, and was subdued by Mr. Nathaniel and his entourage. Mr. Nathaniel was heard attributing the power of his right hook to the "Fine Beer we've been drinking all morning and afternoon".

He went on to state the erring tourist was highly intoxicated judging by the the fact he thought Ms. Merkel was a Busty Bavarian Barmaid. "If She's a Busty Bavarian Barmaid" Mr. N. said, "I'm Denzel F*****g Washington".

Picture[Angela, the bodyguards and myself lifting huge beer tankards with the tourist lying on the table pretty beaten up and unconscious.]

Mr. N. in Jamaica!!
Kingston Town (Jamaica Free Press):

Indian Prime Minister, Mr. Ajit Nathaniel stated that Jamaica holds the key to stopping all the wars in the world. he said that he was amazed by the easy going and non-agressive ways of the Jamaicans. After a discussion with the Jamaican Prime Minister Ms. Portia Simpson Miller over a few smokes, he declared that India would support the Jamaican Atomic Bong Project. Mr. N declared: "Like Robin Williams said, when the Atomic Bomb goes off, there's devastation and radiation, but when the Atomic Bong goes off, there's celebration! Jah Ras tafari Hailie Sellasie I and I"

Mr. N was an instant favourite at the Prime Ministerial palace- he took time out of a formal reception to make his way to the kitchen and ask the head chef for the best recipe for Ganja Tea. his plane on the return was delayed by an hour because the Jamaican officials were loading the cargo hold with mysterious black bags marked as diplomatic baggage.

[Picture, Myself and Portia sharing a joint]


Nathaniel goes to Russia
Moscow (Pravda)

Indian Prime minister Ajit Nathaniel landed in Moscow yesterday on a sudden visit. Before leaving India he indicated that such a sudden visit may be over the refusal of the Russians to lower the prices of the SU 30 aircraft that they are selling to India.

The discussions between Mr. Putin and Mr. Nathaniel took place behind closed doors, and it is said that Mr. Nathaniel suggested that they resolve the dispute over a drinking match. It is said that Mr. Putin went down first after swallowing 23 shots of Cristall Vodka. It is said that Mr. Nathaniel finished not just his first 23, but also the last 2 that were left in that particular match and grabbed another bottle on the way to his room. It seems that the Indians will get their own way.

Ihe next day, the International Puritan Press asked Mr. Nathaniel if he thought he was setting a good example for the youth. He said, that people must always look for a pleasant resolution to problems. He personally didn't like the unpleasantness of trade blackmail and Cristall Vodka was hard to come by in India, so he decided that a drinking competition would be the best.

When asked about the secret of being able to hold such large amounts of hard liquor, he replied "Practice, my boy, practice".

Calls to Mr. Putin's quarters were unanswered for most of the morning but a highly placed source that wishes to remain anonymous said that when asked about his condition, Mr. Putin replied "I hef feelink like Chernobyl een my head you Cossack Pig".

Who is Gaurd?

Who is Gaurd? I'm sure he must be very very upset having a helmets and two wheeler accessories junction born to him... Well... Some people just have it hard I guess.

Trespassers will be P(e)rsecuted

I'm elated to find that government employees in Bangalore are endowed with razor sharp wit. What better warning could there be from the department that brings fresh water to your Home and Hearth and drains the toilet water away!

So when the Bangalore Water Supply and Sewerage Board puts up a warning, you'd better be careful!

The name is a warning in itself- personally, I'm wary of anybody who says Water Supply and Sewerage in the same sentence.

The Indoor Traffic Jam

We in Bangalore simply LOVE traffic jams. we try to have one every chhance we get... give us enough vehicles, and we'll even have one indoors!

What's it with Indian men and Foreign women?

Another foreign tourist- this time a Japanese woman, has been raped in Rajasthan. What's with this spike in sexual assault against foreigners? Could it be a case of someone trying to enact a scene from a "Hot Asians" Porno? Have sections of Indian men started thinking of foreign women as experts in the sexual acrobatics depicted in imported smut?

I know one guy who keeps going to Goa for the sole purpose of ahem "enjoying the company" of foreign women. I still wonder why people tend to give foreign mediocrity preference over local excellence. Everywhere you see- a guy with an imported girlfriend will get treatment like a superstar! Can someone explain this?

Salman Khan Goes to Jail / Second Amendment Rant

The Hypocrisy of some of my countrymen never fails to amaze me.

Salman Khan, a prominent film-star found guilty of hunting an endangered species has been sentenced to 5 years of rigourous imprisonment. His friends in the film industry are clamouring for the government to fine him and let him go. If only things were so simple!

Rate List:
Speeding: Rs. 100
Driving the wrong way on a one way street: Rs. 100
Passport verification: Rs. 600
Drunk Driving: Rs. 2000
Hunting Endangered Species: Rs. 25 Lakhs= 5 lakhs a year. (recommended by one of Salman's film industry friends)
By the same yardstick:
Rape: 35 Lakhs (5 Lakhs X 7 years)
Murder: 70 Lakhs (5 Lakhs X14 years)

I remember a conversation that I had with one of my Callers from the US when I worked at Dell Support. We just happened to be talking about the gun control, (OS reinstalls are a long process often requiring a long wait which lets conversations develop) and he told me that the 2nd amendment wasn't about self defence: it was about overthrowing a corrupt government.

"A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed"

From Penn and Teller's gun control episode of "Bullshit" (that's what the show is called, I swear!) the comma makes all the difference. The sentence means that though a well regulated militia is necessary, there'll be no restrictions on the right of the people to bear arms.

My caller from the US told me that the Founding Fathers realised that after a while the system would become corrupt and would become tyrranical. that was when "we the people were to grab our guns and have ourselves a revolution!"

I think the British learnt a good lesson from the Americans. That's the reason why, in colonies like India, they made owning a gun so difficult. It took the Americans 8 years (1775-1783) to win their freedom- it took us 90 years!

So now, in this country with a rotten system, there is no way that "We the people" can do anything. the people with the money and the people with the guns (police/armed forces) run everything and have turned the whole damn thing into a business.

I wonder if it is too late to get ourselves a second amendment of our own... Anybody care for a revolution?

Disgust!!!

I woke up to a nightmare.

A few days ago I was startled out of sleep by a siren. I thought it was one of those Self Important Pricks on their way to/from the airport, but this siren lacked the common Doppler Effect of the Police Pilot screming down the road at 100 Km/h. I hauled myself out of bed and made my way to my balcony. This is what I beheld.

The White vehicle in the picture- just behind the tree is an ambulance. It was stuck in traffic with its siren howling like a widow. I took this picture with the zoom feature on my phone. Unfortunately the markings of the ambulance are not visible.

What if the person in the ambulance was a heart attack victim who needed to get to a defibrillator? What if he was an accident victim who needs to get to the ER ASAP? Who the fuck cares? This country already has a population crisis doesn't it? The President other and Z class security arseholes roll heavy with bodyguards who have automatic weapons and a dedicated ambulance in the motorcade. The last time Dr. K was here, I counted 52 vehicles in his motorcade. They locked down traffic for 3 hours to let him pass! Yes they did. I live on Airport Road and I know.

There was no VIP today... Just the Goddamn Bangalore rush hour... it took the ambulance 10 minutes to pass. I hope that person lived.

"We Can't Find google.com"

The boys at Microsoft sure did blow it this time. Looks like Internet Explorer lost Google. (Click the image to expand)