Possessive lovers

The article that I was quoted in can be found here.

http://www.shaaditimes.com/ch/love/relationship/061003-fatal-obsession


http://www.ryze.com/posttopic.php?confid=1857&topicid=734205

This is a link to a discussion that I contributed to- I just decided to post it here too.

The Question:

POSSESSIVE LOVERS

1. Is it good to be a bit possessive in love?
2. Do you think that some people are overtly possessive? What’s psychologically wrong with them according to you?
3. What do you think are the main traits of a possessive lover?
4. How do you think a can person free himself / herself from a possessive relationship?
5. Have you come across any possessive relationships? What exactly happened? Please don't disclose the real names.

My Reply

Hello Pallavi,
I feel compelled to respond to this topic though you asked for answers from ladies.

This thing about possessiveness reminds me of a parable that someone once told me. Though it was in a remarkably different context, I think it does hold well here.

There are two types of bird lovers in the world. One type buys expensive birds, clips their wings and locks them in a cage to be admired and "possessed".

Another type of bird lover can spend hours knee deep in muck or in a bush waiting to catch a glimpse of a bird- free and happy in nature. The bird's freedom gives him happiness.

Its not so much about the bird-lover; its more about the bird.

As a personal opinion:

1) No, it is not at all healthy to be possessive in love.

2) Yes, I feel that there are many people who are insanely possessive, and in my opinion, their possessiveness stems from deep insecurity about the relationship, suspicions of infidelity and low self esteem.

A few years ago, I'd accompanied a friend to his colleague's house for drinks and dinner. The hostess was very gracious and polite, and the house very well decorated and kept. In my value system, that merits a few words of appreciation, so as I went to the kitchen to fetch some Ice, I complemented the hostess on the fine residence. As I turned around, there was the host- glaring at me. My friend later told me that this man is very very possessive of his wife, and he can't bear another man talking to her.

This man is very well educated, extremely prosperous, and is very successful in his profession. I wonder what he has to be insecure about. One thing that later struck me about him, was his intense desire to possess everything that caught his fancy: I heard of him putting down almost 6 figures for a watch that caught his eye while passing the window of a watch store. He treats his car like a human being and does not let anybody touch the controls on the music system.


3) Traits: a Control Freak. Extremely jealous, extremely suspicious, sometimes given to impromptu detective work. They often regard their partner as an object.

4) How to get out of a possessive relationship? Well- that has to be dealt with on a case by case basis. The first thing is to communicate and tell your partner that you are uncomfortable with the current scenario. Sometimes people are possessive without knowing it. If your partner cannot give up being possessive, you'll have to make preparations to leave the relationship- these preparations may be emotional, professional or financial. Sometimes possessiveness can turn into obsessive behaviour- this definitely is cause to involve legal and law enforcement professionals.

Also, try to determine if your partner is being possessive or protective. People tend to be protective if a partner has a history or indications of potentially self destructive
behaviour.

FOIE GRAS BANNED IN CHICAGO!!!

Foie Gras has been banned in Chicago. Just saw that article in the NY Times...

What do we have here? A city government with a socialist agenda? Imagine someone banning Caviar, Fillet Mignon, or the Chateau Lafite 1945 (at GBP 2300 a bottle)?

OK, they force feed the ducks... hell, I eat chicken 5 times a week, thanks to the cafeteria at JP Morgan Chase, Bangalore. I've eaten Beluga caviar at $100 a teaspoon smuggled in to India along with a case of Fine Vodka by the IPC's shipchandler (Thank you Alexei, I hope Linus paid the bill... btw, if you're reading this, what happened to my gold inlaid Makarov? Drop the goddamn bottle and get busy!)

We're higher in the food chain... until we venture defenceless into a forest inhabited by lions, tigers and bears... and then we cease to be the "master species" and begin to be the dinner.

Someone tell Alain Ducasse or Christian Delouvrier to do a Foie Gras entree for the mayor and chief of police of Chicago.

Stop rearing cows for milk, stop rearing stud dogs and breeder bitches, stop breeding Arab stallions (Barry Shiff: this is a rhetorical statement... Arab stallions are the best in my opinion)

Goddarn hypocrites...

Remember, Chicago was the city that screwed Volstead and his act... Remember Al Capone? I just hope Al Ducasse drops in... He's no scarface... (Yeah I know Andy V. was a Republican... but Don't hold it against me!)

Keep the duck liver rollin' Chicago, you're the best!

Richard M. Daley, you Democrat wimp!! Get some fiber (fibre?) in your diet- your official potrait suggests you're suffering from Obstipation.

To Dell and Back!

Dell's third-quarter earnings slip

http://news.zdnet.com/2100-9595_22-5924630.html

HP shines as earnings, sales surge

http://money.cnn.com/2006/08/16/technology/hp_earnings/index.htm


I spent a year at Dell tech support in Bangalore. It was my first job, and I didn’t know what to expect. I took all everything- the job stress, the performance management system and abusive management with a pinch of salt. Its only after I actually quit Dell and joined another firm that I realized how satisfying a job could be. Dell was an island of abuse in an industry where people just want to give their employees a good time so that they stick around.

Dell didn’t have any such concerns.

When I joined Relationship Tech Support, (the group that provides tech support to companies that bring in business in excess of USD 500,000 a year) there were 475 of us in a department that was to have 750 people to handle the total amount of calls offered to the group. In the 14 months I was there, they never saw that figure. In fact, the numbers steadily declined till I left in Aug 2004, when there were just about 300 people. There was a running joke in the HR department that if they had 20 people waiting to collect offer letters for induction into RTS, there would be 25 people waiting for exit interviews. In Oct 2004, the Relationship Support business was closed down and moved to another site.

The Senior Management consisted of arrogant and mediocre imports that lacked cultural sensitivity. Some of them just thought we were a bunch of fools. I remember one presentation given by one of the American managers where he was showing us a bar graph describing bonuses. The bar that denoted a bonus of 7.8% was DOUBLE the height of the bar that denoted a bonus of 7%. Though I flunked statistics in college, I was able to figure out the con.

Well… forget the human rights abuses. What was Dell doing in the Market?

They screwed everybody.

They drove margins down and offered impossible to sustain frills like free lifetime tech support and deep discounts. They were able to blackmail their suppliers into offering them low prices based on volumes. They sold a lot of computers, but then it started to turn sour.

Their corporate philosophy was Cheaper, Cheaper, Cheaper, Faster, Better- in exactly that order. Business units were appraised based on the amount of money they saved instead of the amount of value they created.

When you have an underpaid and overworked lad providing tech support to someone with a $3000 computer that’s just gone bad, you can’t expect the customer’s experience to be sterling 100% of the time.

Dell followed a deliberate policy of bias among its customers, sucking up to the bigger companies that bought millions of dollars worth of their stuff and abusing the “home and small business” segment; scornfully described by one of the senior managers as “pop and ma Johnson who buy one computer every 5 years”.

Acquaintances who worked in sales told me about the way they’d upsell- what I now understand, is a trade malpractice called “bait and switch” (bait and screw, as far as Dell is concerned). These bait and screw tactics involved a confusing array of mail-in rebates, “free” upgrades, finance options and hidden charges.

Pushing the margins down drove several competitors to the edge of bankruptcy. HP and Compaq had to merge to stay afloat.

Now things are different. It seems the consumer has begun to recognize Dell computers as the cut rate trash that they are, and are opting for more stable and better serviced computers from local stores or other vendors. Pop and Ma Johnson are taking their business elsewhere.

What goes up must come down. Anybody remember the Roman Empire?

Firearm Safety

This is a pic that I lifted from a newspaper. These are policemen guarding the palace at Mysore. The firearm that the cop is carrying is a Sterling 9 mm carbine- firing 9mm Parabellum ammunition. The muzzle is pointed straight forward, and his finger is on the trigger a VERY DANGEROUS way to be holding even a BB gun, let alone a submachine gun capable of firing 32 shots at a speed of 550 shots a minute.

I wonder who's training these people! These guys need a lesson in Firearm safety. Its a frightening thing that these are the people who have the majority of the weapons in our society. Well... Another reason for me to call for a second amendment type provision in India.

Someone get Johnnie Cochran

Hey... don' I git a phone call?

Daddy, Me, Tough guy.

This statue stands guard at the Chamundi temple at Mysore. Would you mess with this guy?

Killed for saving girl from molester!

A shopkeeper was murdered when he tried to save a young girl who was teased and molested by some local goons. The rogues also tried to strip the girl publicly.

The incident occurred in the Cantonment area of Lucknow. Four goons who saw a girl passing by first taunted her and then made vulgar signs.

Not realizing, the girl slapped one of them. Thereafter, the goons tore her blouse and publicly pumped her bare breast. They troubled her till she started crying loudly.

The goons then tried to strip her. Unable to control himself, a shopkeeper named Shalik Yadav told the goons to stop troubling the girl or else he would call the police. He pounced upon one of them and bashed them.

The youths vanished at that time but came again with reinforcement of a gang of more than a dozen armed persons.

They destroyed Yadav's shop and bashed him with iron chain and rods. Shalik's head was smashed badly.

Soon, a crowd gathered outside Yadav's shop hurled brickbats at the goons. It literally turned into a gang war but the police did not reach the scene despite information.

Shalik succumbed to his injuries on the spot as a result of fatal beating. To cover up the lapse, Senior Superintendent of Police GK Goswami has placed sub-inspector Nagendra Singh and two cops under suspension on charge of dereliction of duty.

Now this is the kind of news that really upsets me. It shakes my faith in fellow human beings. Disgusting.