Possessive lovers

The article that I was quoted in can be found here.

http://www.shaaditimes.com/ch/love/relationship/061003-fatal-obsession


http://www.ryze.com/posttopic.php?confid=1857&topicid=734205

This is a link to a discussion that I contributed to- I just decided to post it here too.

The Question:

POSSESSIVE LOVERS

1. Is it good to be a bit possessive in love?
2. Do you think that some people are overtly possessive? What’s psychologically wrong with them according to you?
3. What do you think are the main traits of a possessive lover?
4. How do you think a can person free himself / herself from a possessive relationship?
5. Have you come across any possessive relationships? What exactly happened? Please don't disclose the real names.

My Reply

Hello Pallavi,
I feel compelled to respond to this topic though you asked for answers from ladies.

This thing about possessiveness reminds me of a parable that someone once told me. Though it was in a remarkably different context, I think it does hold well here.

There are two types of bird lovers in the world. One type buys expensive birds, clips their wings and locks them in a cage to be admired and "possessed".

Another type of bird lover can spend hours knee deep in muck or in a bush waiting to catch a glimpse of a bird- free and happy in nature. The bird's freedom gives him happiness.

Its not so much about the bird-lover; its more about the bird.

As a personal opinion:

1) No, it is not at all healthy to be possessive in love.

2) Yes, I feel that there are many people who are insanely possessive, and in my opinion, their possessiveness stems from deep insecurity about the relationship, suspicions of infidelity and low self esteem.

A few years ago, I'd accompanied a friend to his colleague's house for drinks and dinner. The hostess was very gracious and polite, and the house very well decorated and kept. In my value system, that merits a few words of appreciation, so as I went to the kitchen to fetch some Ice, I complemented the hostess on the fine residence. As I turned around, there was the host- glaring at me. My friend later told me that this man is very very possessive of his wife, and he can't bear another man talking to her.

This man is very well educated, extremely prosperous, and is very successful in his profession. I wonder what he has to be insecure about. One thing that later struck me about him, was his intense desire to possess everything that caught his fancy: I heard of him putting down almost 6 figures for a watch that caught his eye while passing the window of a watch store. He treats his car like a human being and does not let anybody touch the controls on the music system.


3) Traits: a Control Freak. Extremely jealous, extremely suspicious, sometimes given to impromptu detective work. They often regard their partner as an object.

4) How to get out of a possessive relationship? Well- that has to be dealt with on a case by case basis. The first thing is to communicate and tell your partner that you are uncomfortable with the current scenario. Sometimes people are possessive without knowing it. If your partner cannot give up being possessive, you'll have to make preparations to leave the relationship- these preparations may be emotional, professional or financial. Sometimes possessiveness can turn into obsessive behaviour- this definitely is cause to involve legal and law enforcement professionals.

Also, try to determine if your partner is being possessive or protective. People tend to be protective if a partner has a history or indications of potentially self destructive
behaviour.